Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
