I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
