I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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