He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
