well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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