I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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