he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
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