just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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