I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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