i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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