Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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