I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
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there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
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I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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