That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
