I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
