she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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