I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Randomize
