He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
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