I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
