ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
