Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
