are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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