you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
He told me they were just razor bumps!
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
