Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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