When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
