Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
