Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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