just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
