They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
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