i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
