woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Randomize
