me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Come share oat with me in your robe
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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