i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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