from now on my penis is your penis
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
