We're facebook friends in real life
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
