about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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