Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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