She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
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