I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
