census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
