here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
