Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Randomize
