My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
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