I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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