i was rollin on her like bob the builder
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Randomize
