Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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