Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
