So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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