I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
