I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
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when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
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They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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