Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
