she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
