I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
