She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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