I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
