Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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