This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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