remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
