my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
