lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
