He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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