Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
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He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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